I was in a bookstore
and they were playing The Rutles movie on the TV’s
I turned a corner (abookshelfactually)
and was face to face with the Brothers Ween
and they were chilling with
Sammy Hagar
no shit
the three of them were
looking for Linda McCartney's
vegetarian cookbook
(this as all true)
and deaner said
"man, they gotta have it, fuck, they gotta"
and Gener said
"they better or I'm gonna get really pissed off"
and Sammy said
"hey look, a book on teeth whitening"
I bent over Sammy along with the Brothers
to take a better look at the book
when
this guy dressed in a huge Barney the Dinosaur
costume
bumped into Sammy
Sammy said
"watch it fucker"
Barney the Dinosaur said
"you watch it..impostor!"
Sammy said
"fuck you purple boy"
Barney the Dinosaur said
Take this!
and wacked Sammy in the face with his fuzzy
purple claw
The Brothers and I took cover behind a cardboard
cutout
of Judy Blume
and
they went at it
it was very ugly
and
very violent
blood
hair
teeth
and suntan lotion went flying
Sammy had Barney the Dinosaur
in a headlock
screaming
"die bitch die"
Barney the Dinosaur
was muttering something..it was hard
to make out
Gener said that Barney the Dinosaur was saying
""muffins..it’s always muffins"
Deaner said that Barney the Dinosaur was saying
"Puffins...I love fucking puffins"
I thought Barney the Dinosaur was saying
"I can’t fucking breathe"
They were knocking over everything
it was truly terrible
when......
Sammy yanked violently at
Barney the Dinosaurs head
and
hell, if his purple head
did not come off
it fell to the floor rolling
and stopped at the Brothers
feet
we all looked at the head on the floor
the room fell silent
you could hear a pin drop
Deaner squeezed my ass
we all looked up
and saw the man behind the
Barney the Dinosaur mask
it was a
sweaty
but somehow
passive looking
David Lee Roth
He had a tattoo of the Star of David
on his cheek
the air was heavy, just heavy
Deaner squeezed Geners ass
everyone was silent
Sammy just stood there
they faced each other
like that
for what seemed to be hours
just looking at each other
The Brothers…
after five hours of this non action
stood between the feuding Halens
(VeudingHalens?)
Gener reached into his pocket and
held out to each of them
a copy of the
Tao te Ching
when they saw what was offered to them
they looked into each other’s eyes
Sammy, God love him was tearful
David, God love him was tearful as well
they both took the book
thanked the Brothers
and walked hand in hand
off to the Hard Rock Cafe
The crowd began to clear up then
Deaner and Gener hugged each other
they were happy
they were pleased
and they both kissed me on the cheek
and they skipped out of the store
out
into the sunlight
I was sad to see them go
I sighed
stroked my beard and
noticed
Barney the Dinosaurs
big purple head at my feet
I reached down and picked it up
and underneath
the gigantic fluffy head
was a copy
of
Linda McCartney’s Vegetarian Cookbook
I picked it up and ran to the parking lot
holding the book in my raised hand
screaming
for the brothers
"Gener...Deaner.....!"
I yelled as loud as I could
But all I heard
was my own echo
and then
I woke
up
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